reason #463 for hating school:

having to pass up Saves The Day concert to cram for three exams next week. (i will take heart in the fact that i now have an excuse to seek emotional recourse through online shopping)

i feel totally drained and i don't know why.

accompanying my mother on her daily stroll this evening (or "escorting" as i like to call it because it sounds less Mummy's Girl, more Hunky Protector of The Weak) was a true delight (notwithstanding the guilt-inducing pep talk on the ills of smoking). its times like this i want to stop and take a moment to think really hard about leaving the states.

i am loathe to admit, but there is a serious conflict inside me everytime someone brings that topic up. i reason and i plead with myself to believe and trust the part of me that has been waiting to move back home since forever; the part that sometimes secretly wishes something big and terrible would happen so we'd get to leave. so i'd get to leave.

and then there are these moments, where i think to myself: "you are nothing but a cop out." and maybe that is what gets me the most--realizing that my carefully constructed rationale for leaving this place is nothing but a flimsy house of cards.

sigh.

you know, if i could wish one thing on my birthday this year, i would wish for God to make me more decisive. to take away the seeds of self-doubt because these days, i hardly know what i want anymore.


jet - hold on

this has got to be one of my favorite pictures of us ever.
maybe we were happy, maybe we were drunk (ok, maybe I was)
or maybe we just wanted to pretend that it wasnt our last weekend
together in melbourne.

i still remember desperately holding onto your hand
as if that would stop the inevitable goodbyes
with your head on my shoulder, we rode home in silence

"i demand you accept my yangyang!"

the libertines - cant stand me now

you and your flaxen blonde hair,
the way you give that sexy glare
your heels on the tarmac
from melrose to LAX,
an addict i'll always be
heather, will you marry me??

ok fine, dream on. but she is sooooooo caliente

jadakiss f. mariah carey - u make me wanna

i had the strangest dream a couple nights ago and i cant quite seem to get over it. (well, that and the inability to find an accurate dream interpretation)

so in this dream i am driving somewhere with my older sister in the car beside me. i know that at some point we stop and oogle at these gorgeous hand-sewn gowns behind the display window. i remember remarking what a wonderful gift it would make for my little sister and how pretty she would look in it (supposedly that symbolizes some type of guilt i feel toward her)

we get back into the car and i begin to take control of the steering wheel again when all of a sudden, somehow, someway, i realize that i haven't really been driving all this while and that my older sister had in fact been in control of the car.

the closest i ever got to understanding that part was dreammoods.com (i think) that explained "driving from the passenger seat" as "trying to gain control of the path that your life is taking", while dreaming of being driven implied my dependance on the driver and how i was "following the goals of others" and not that of myself.

so....

a) i think i am in control of my life but im really not?

b) i have never been in control of my life and its something i really want now?

c) what i think are my goals in life aren't really mine, but are in fact a product of upbringing, my environment et al?

but whatever. its effed up all the same.


the get up kids - the one you want